I was taking the dogs for a walk last night at the park and just reflecting on the day. I love being out late at night with the dogs under the stars and moon – it’s my favorite time to go for a walk, the open skies take me “out of myself” and I just feel wonderful.
The park was completely abandoned so as I walked, I talked out loud to Belle. I was telling her about her brother, the story of his birth and the story of his first year.
And as I walked and talked the strangest thing happened to me – I started weeping. It wasn’t just the tears slowly tricking down your cheeks kinda crying, it was the weeping/bawling kind of crying. It was the weirdest thing because I had absolutely no idea why I was crying. I’ve never been happier in my whole entire life, I have absolutely nothing to cry about. But cry I did.
I kept on walking and as I cried and walked I found myself saying, “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry Nathan..I’m so sorry.” Over and over and over again. Gosh I’m crying again just by typing this.
And as the emotions left me I realized I had been holding on to this grief for a long long time. It felt like old, stale grief, grief that just needed to be released, grief that needed to come out to create space in my heart for even more happiness.
It was grief for all of the fear I experienced the first year of Nathan’s life. Grief for all of the times I was angry at him for not doing things better. Grief for all of the times I wanted to change him, and couldn’t. Grief for not seeing the amazing unique gem in front of me sooner. Grief for all those wasted moments when I could’ve been enjoying my perfect son, but instead I longed for something different.
And through tears and release I found myself saying, “I didn’t know any better, I just didn’t know better, I wish I’d known better.” But I didn’t. So I made a conscious choice. I decided to forgive myself for all that wasted time.
So as I continued walking I said out loud, over and over and over again, “I forgive myself, I forgive myself.”
And then Lucas ran into a fence (he’s the most awkward uncoordinated dog in the planet) and landed on mud so the moment was lost and the tears of release became tears of laughter.
And I’m sharing this because it was honestly the strangest thing to me. I had no conscious idea that I was holding on to that grief. It took me completely by surprise. But I did feel lighter after having cried and gone through that moment. I felt one step closer to deeper, immovable peace.
Do you feel that you are holding on to subconscious grief?
