Farewell for now

Today Belle is 1 month old. Today is the day I say, “bye for now” to all of you who regularly visit this blog.

Why? you may be wondering. The answer is simple. And complicated.

When Nathan was born it was all doom and gloom. He cried all day. It was hard. Hard. HARD. His first 6 months of life were the hardest of my life. He was going to die. Then he lived. It was joyful and beautiful but hard. And intense.

Now I have the opportunity to truly glorify in the first months of life of another human being. And I want to experience this time fully. I deserve to. It’s been a long, beautiful, intense almost 4 years.

Today I got upset when Belle was crying. I sat at the computer to try and answer my emails. And 2 seconds later, Belle started crying. Again. Failed attempt # 556. I wanted to let her cry. I just wanted to answer my emails.

Instead we took a bath together and while soaking in lavendar bath salts and nursing I had my epiphany. You can’t help others. Help yourself first.

I write this blog with the desire to help others. Writing helps me. But it’s easier to write privately. I write publicly in hopes that my experiences and what I’ve learned might bring benefit to others.

And in the bath I realized that the people who have helped me the most throughout my 30 years of life are the people who are deeply loving, peaceful, and spiritual. They help not by what they say, but by the way they ARE, by the peace they experience and the love I feel emanating from them. Today I realized that if I truly want to help others I have to BECOME deeply peaceful and loving.

Instead of writing blog posts in my head while Belle is nursing, I want to just be PRESENT. I want to stop worrying about all of the emails that I need to respond to. I want to stop feeling like a bad person because I haven’t had a chance to get back to everyone who’s commented on my Facebook profile or to reply to everyone who’s commented on the blog. It creates an anxiety that I really don’t want to experience.

Today while Belle looked me deeply in the eyes I knew what she was asking of me. Be with me mommy. I want to feel you’re here with me. Because being physically present but mentally composing lists or emails or blog posts is very unsatisfying, like drinking salt water.

I will continue to post pictures and videos sporadically. If I learn something interesting I will write a post. And if I feel deeply compelled to share an experience I will.

If you would like to receive my sporadic updates, I suggest signing up for my feedburner list. That way you can receive an email when I write a post. You can sign up here:

PrayForNathan.org Feedburner Subscription

I am realy grateful to all of you who have come back day after day, month after month, even year after year, to connect with us. We have formed forever bonds that we will always cherish. Thank you for sharing yourselves with us.

I am so grateful for all of the prayers. I am so grateful for the support. I am so grateful for the comments and advice. I am so grateful for all the times when I could “look around” and feel lovingly surrounded during this journey. It’s been a pleasure and a blessing. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

I leave you with my favorite haiku:

Awake Butterfly. It’s late. We’ve miles to go before we sleep. And miles to go before we sleep.

Comments

  1. http://Cybell says

    Feliz cumple mes Belle!!!
    estas cada dia mas linda y muy consentida,Catita y yo te mandamos un beso con mucho cariño!!!
    Marcela,obvio que tienes tu merecido derecho para disfrutar intensamente a tu pequeña muñequita,tienes dos niños preciosos de que ocuparte cada dia,es tán linda esta etapa que aún están pequeños,que puedes deleitarte en el amor mas profundo que es ser madre,crecen tán rápido que aprovecha al máximo este momento con tus niños,sientete plena y dichosa de ser la mujer que eres,ya que la vida y Dios te ha premiado y bendecido con Nathan y Belle.
    Un abrazo cariñoso.

  2. Marcela you are an amazing woman! We all have learned from you. I am sad to see you go but I am happy as well. You need to make time to take every little thing in! This is what I did with Ryan. I was only on the computer doing research for Christopher. You missed out on the wonders of normal development with Nathan as I did with Christopher. You had different special moments with Nathan…hope. We can never give up that HOPE! Christopher surprises us all the time.
    She needs you to awe in all her accomplishments. This is such a special time and I took it ALL IN! I am soo glad I did! Of course I made time for therapy and special time with Chris too! You have two perfect children and a beautiful family! ENJOY!
    Hugs!

  3. http://sally says

    🙂 see you in the funny pages!

  4. http://Mary says

    🙂

  5. http://Veronica%20-%20Lorenzo's%20Nana says

    Marcela, you and your family so deserve this time as a family. We’ll miss you but definitely be looking forward to any updates you send out. Love to all!

  6. I totally understand where you are coming from! I have been feeling the same way lately, and have slowed down on my blog and Facebook. I’ve been telling everyone that the girls have been keeping me very busy, which is true, but I’ve also enjoed my little “break” and just spending more of my time engaging in activities with the girls. Don’t stop your blog, because I still want to see what you guys are up to!! I like the idea of just posting less often, and doing shorter blogs! I signed up for your email subscription, so I can keep tabs! Enjoy your extra time! 🙂

    Carly

  7. http://karym says

    Marcela, que buen momento para disfrutarlo a concho, tienes dos hijos maravillosos y estan en una edad en que tienes que estar con ellos y luego crecen y se pasa esta etapa tan linda. Aprovecha cada momento, cada instante y no te sientas aproblemada por no escribir tan seguido en tu blog, claro que entendemos esto!!!.
    Vicentito y nosotros le mandamos un feliz cumple mes a Belle y un gran besito a Nathan y para tí amiga, un gran abrazo y felicidades por todo este lindo tiempo con tus dos hijos.

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