I am tired

I feel like I’ve hit a wall.

For years my life has been go go go.  I’ve always had at least 100 plates up in the air and I’ve loved it.  I’ve loved juggling projects.  I’ve loved creating several businesses from scratch, and watching them grow and flourish.  I’ve loved being on the move – traveling all over the world, never staying still, always exposed to new experiences.  I’ve loved discovering the world of special needs, and “figuring it out” – from being completely ignorant to feeling like I can now navigate it with my eyes closed.  I am an explorer.  I like to conquer mountains.  I like to create.  I like to watch my dreams become reality.

But now I am tired.   There is no more wind for my sails and I am stuck in still waters.  My body can not support my mind any more, can not be a vehicle for my visions and conquests.

I am tired.

I wake up in the morning craving another 8 hours of sleep.  I start the day anticipating the moment I can get back to bed to nap.  Getting out of bed feels as hard as it used to feel to climb mountains.  The relentless needs of the kids feel as insurmountable and impossible for me to fulfill as if they were not 2 but 2 dozen.  The afternoons drag as I anxiously wait for 6 pm to come so Owen will take the kids out and I can collapse in bed.

The fight has been punched out of me.  I look at Nathan now and I remember how I was a Mother Warrior, how I fought and fought for him, how I went to the ends of the earth to help him.  Now I just hope he doesn’t get too twisted and knotted and that he retains some semblance of happiness.  The fight with the school, the fight for his services, the fight for the right therapies, the fight against this world that simply could not see my son’s potential – I just can’t keep it up any more.  I fight the fights that I have to fight but they take the last bit of energy I had.  I fight like a zombie, no real person inside.

The 100 plates I used to keep spinning in the air are now mostly all shattered to pieces on the floor.  Even 1 or 2 plates seem overwhelming now.

Owen thinks I am lazy.  He tells me I need to stop looking for excuses and I should get the heck up and do what needs to be done.

And he makes me wonder – is he right? Am I just being a lazy @ss?

But the word lazy next to my name feels so strange.  She who never stopped.  She who always juggled at least 100 plates.  She who managed several businesses at once, while caring for a special needs child.  She who played water polo in college, did an hour and a half of hot yoga almost every day, who ran up and down hills like they were nothing?

Chronic Fatigue, says the doctor.  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.  A new beast.  Could this explain everything?  She claims I have all of the symptoms – bar none.  She claims that without a doubt everything that is happening is related to this disease.

But how does one go from being an energetic exuberant explorer to a bag of bones with no energy?  How does one develop Chronic Fatigue anyways?  And where’s the pill to make it go away?  Please?

I am so tired.  And the shame makes me even more tired.  Shame that I don’t have the energy that I used to have.  Shame that I can’t take care of my kids the way I would like to.  Shame that I just can’t keep up.

Supposedly I am in treatment already.  Supposedly I will feel better soon.  Supposedly the homeopathic remedy I am taking will go deep into my system and help to eliminate the cells that are contaminated with the xmrv virus that causes this problem.  Supposedly now that we know what is going on it’s just a matter of giving my body time to react to the remedy and start healing.

I hope so.

Because I am tired.  So very very  deeply bone-tired.

And I hope and I pray and I hope some more that I have enough energy to make this a healthy baby.  That my body has enough to give to this child inside of me who needs so much.  I hope that he’s taking it all and making himself well and healthy because I can’t stand the thought of hurting another child.

Comments

  1. Marcela
    a special needs child who demands ALOT of attention, a very active and inquisitive typically developing 10 month old, housework, work, therapy appointments, Doc appointments etc. etc. The stresses of your every day life and to top it off the worry of whether the baby inside is “really” ok. It is no wonder you are COMPLETELY drained and EXTREMELY tired.

    Sweetie, I have been there. So I honestly know what and how you are feeling. There were days – MANY days – that I wished I could just bury myself in my bed and that the entire world would just leave me the “H***” alone.

    But in reality I knew that this was impossible, because my kids and the rest of the world, it seemed, depended on “ME.”

    Once this precious Little Prince arrives. And you get settled into a comfortable routine of caring for all 3 kids, the housework, work and managing to find time for your relationship, things will get better. I can’t promise, but things did get better for me. But at times there are still instances where I feel myself and life spiraling out of control. Especially when something upsets the comfortable daily balance that I have managed to find in my life.

    If you need/want to talk, just send me an email and I’ll send you my phone #.

    Virtual Warm ((((SQUISHES))))

  2. Marcela,

    You are pregnant and NEED to rest.

    You have two active little cuties, and it is not easy! Having a special needs kid on top of it is hard enough (I know), you are doing an amazing job! It is time to slow down and rest, this is what your body is telling you. As far as hurting the child, you did not hurt Nathan. There was nothing you could of done to prevent what happened. Do not be hard on yourself, this is your time to focus on you and the baby and get someone to help with Belle and Nathan.
    Hugs,
    Lisa
    Cj’s mom

  3. http://Carrie says

    Marcela,
    I am praying for you. I think sometimes all of us have to stop and let our bodies catch up with what our brains have been doing. Let your body heal, let your baby grow and flourish, and know that your other 2 are not suffering. You’re their mom. Period. They don’t need super mom, they just need you. Take care my friend.

  4. http://Laura%20M. says

    Rest my friend. You are an amazing mommy…still a warrior. But I agree with everyone, you have been running for 4.5 years on super drive. Your body needs a break and this is how it’s telling you. It catches up with you eventually.

    Tell Owen to chill and you are not lazy. He needs to step up and help you out right now. Growing a baby takes a tremendous amount of energy out of you. Having a10 month old and a special monkey quadruples the energy required. I wish I was closer so I could help you out. I’m praying you heal and rest quickly. Call me if you want to talk.

    Luv u:)

  5. Ok, so I read this and thought of course you are exhausted! You are making a baby! Your body is very busy and you are also taking care of a couple of other little ones. Your body is telling you to slow down and in a few weeks – 2nd trimester hopefully! – you should get some energy back before crashing again.

  6. http://Julia says

    Marcela: you have never hurt a child! and never will! Nathan and special children like him are given to those who God knows will look after them the best! No question you were chosen!
    And as for being lazy – give Owen a knock on the head for me! It sounds like you’ve been burning the candle at both ends forever and now you need to rest whenever you can. Your children are happy, housework is always there – don’t be afraid to ask for a little help from your family & friends. We think of you always, love the Ives

  7. http://Margo says

    Unlike you, I have never liked spinning 100 plates, but regardless, sometimes I’ve had to (havent we all?) and although it can be thrilling, it’s also not something you cannot do indefinitely.

    Like the wonderful ladies before me have mentioned, being pregnant is exhausting work – being pregnant and a mom quadruples it, and being pregnant and a mom of a special needs kiddo plus another one that’s perfecting walking – well honey you’ve gotta expect something to give.

    Please give yourself some down time. Your body is telling you something, and you really should listen. Let the remedy do its job and set everything that is not essential aside for a few days.

    So strange that you mentioned XMRV. I just got an email article about it from a friend of mine recently.
    http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748704005404576176823580854478-lMyQjAxMTAxMDAwNDEwNDQyWj.html

    close your eyes and rest sweetie, you and the peanut need to re-boot.

    M~

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