So what

As much as I thought I had completely peeled the onion, I recently realized that it is a big fat onion with many layers. I thought I had completely accepted Dorje but it wasn’t until our trip in Asia that I realized I’d only peeled a few layers, with many more to go.

During one lunch I caught myself getting uptight and stressed as I noticed more than half of the water that I gave him ended up all over him and not down his throat. “Why can’t he just swallow this water,” I asked myself. It seemed so simple, so basic. Later, when we went out, I noticed I was uptight and a little upset. It wasn’t a voluntary, conscious feeling, but I could feel the tension in my chest.

So at one moment the lightning bolt struck and I thought – so what?

So what if he’s not a champion swallower? He can swallow some. So what if he can’t hold up his head? So what if he coughs and gags when he’s eating? He’s here and he can eat. So what if he’s floppy? He has a body to be floppy with.

So what if my baby is different from others? He is unique in so many ways, exceptional in so many others. His mere survival is exceptional.

And that smile, that joy that he exudes. It’s contagious.

So I think I have jumped the unconscious emotional hurdle of non-acceptance and am now on the other side. I accept his limitations, I accept him exactly the way he is, with his floppiness and his messiness and his delays. I accept and embrace him. I love him. I love who he is. I love everything about him.

And with this acceptance I have found the biggest relief, the biggest joy, the biggest happiness. I think the last couple of weeks since this epiphany have been the happiest of my life. I have fallen completely in love with my son. I am not worrying, I am not frustrated because he can’t do the most basic things. I am not afraid any more.

During our trip to Asia I asked for help and he came as a statue of Buddha Amitayus. I realized that one of the layers of the onion that hadn’t been peeled was my fear that I would lose my son. We heard so many negative predictions in Dorje’s early days that I think in my subconscious I’ve been harboring a secret fear that I would lose him. And with that fear came some level of restraint. Finding Buddha Amitayus released the last bit of fear and restraint. I looked at him and knew he would protect my son. The long life Buddha would look over my son and give him long life. Blessed relief, and with it, a deeper level of love I never thought existed.

Acceptance has brought a wave of happiness. Acceptance. Warmly welcome whatever arises. What a gift.

Here are a couple of cute pictures: