The Artist’s Way

I’ve been quiet lately. I know I’ve been quiet. I’m on the other side and it’s dark here. It’s very dark and I can’t see much around me. So I am quiet.

The other side is that side where you finally realize that you have to stop living your life throgh your disabled child. On this side, your life revolves around helping your child. You care for him, worry about him, work for him, run around with him. Your essence withers away as your life focuses around your child’s health and rehabilitation.

But on the other side, you wake up one day to realize that you are a person too, who deserves self-love and self-respect. You realize that you cannot neglect and ignore yourself so much that one day you wake up and wonder who you are, what you have become. You don’t recognize yourself any more, and treat yourself with the same indifference you would treat a stranger. So you decide that it is time to reclaim yourself.

And to reclaim yourself you first have to get small. Real, real small. Your world needs to become smaller. Your people need to become smaller. The things you deal with need to diminish. Your energy needs to be conserved so you can direct it towards your journey, your brand new journey. So you withdraw.

And that’s where I am today. Quiet. Still. Exploring.

I am starting a book/workshop called The Artist’s Way. Because Nathan is okay. And I have to move on. I have to become a person again. Not just Nathan’s mom. Not just Nathan’s case manager. Not just Nathan’s personal stress machine. I have to find and become ME.

Nathan is okay. He is happy. He needs me to be well more than he needs me to be his case manager. He needs me to be his happy mommy.

So I embark on this journey. I may stay quiet. Or I may find my voice. I can’t wait to find out.

Comments

  1. http://erika says

    Yo te apoyo y te mando mucha fuerza sigue adelante, los ninos estaran muy felices con una mama feliz.
    Erika

  2. http://Sally%20Fraley says

    AMEN

  3. This is so true. Over the last year I’ve become very engaged in a few hobbies – sewing, photography, digital scrapbooking. It’s wonderful to have an outlet just for me even if most of what I sew is for the girls – win/win is what I call it (well, a great win for me since they don’t care that my seams are crooked or everything doesn’t exactly match up!).

    Enjoy your book and whatever else you take on!

  4. Bravo Marcella! I feel the same way! Cj is happy and healthy at the time and Ryan is in school. I have done my house projects and now it is ME TIME. You motivated me to head to the art supply store right now to buy my supplies. I am starting a portrait business (I went to art school and have done this before). Hand drawn portraits in black and white with some hints of color if wanted. I am going to specialize in children SN’s or not and pets. I have to practice as it has been a while….I will keep you posted! Good luck on your adventure!

  5. http://Veronica%20-%20Lorenzo's%20Nana says

    Marcela! I can totally relate! I think this is the point where I am now. My husband was worried that I was becoming depressed, and asked if I wanted to return to work, or work on my Masters. So, for me, my goal for now is to get re-organized. I once ran everything concerning Renzo like a business which kept me organized, and somewhere along the way, I just loved him, and lost track of everything! Now that he’s in school 4 days a week for 6 hours a day, I’ve decided to create a schedule for myself, that will allow me to keep up with his needs, and take some time for myself as well – I really want to become fluent in ASL (sign language), and be a better board member for the 3 board I serve on. Thanks for continuing to inspire me! Hugs to you, Nathan and Bella!

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