The essence of this life

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Today at the appointment with the homeopath Nathan burst into desolate tears. I got upset with him because he was crying at the wrong moment. His cries had a meaning but I was so focused on the task at hand I didn’t stop to dig deep into myself to try to decipher them. Usually when Nathan needs something, I can quiet my mind and ask his soul what he needs. Then I will get a vision in my heart, or hear words in my head, and I will know what he needs. But today I was too busy to go inwards, so Nathan cried and cried.

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Once we got home I realized what I’d done and I felt so bad. He relies on me for all his needs and I failed him. I was too busy to listen, too preoccupied to “hear” my little boy. And for a moment I felt angry. It’s a lot of responsibility to carry. What if I just want to “check out” for a bit?

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Then I heard something in my mind that shook me out of my little tantrum.

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Accepting Nathan, everything about him, is how you seize the essence of this life.

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I realized that the cute little boy in front of me has the key for me to make my life meaningful. He holds all of the lessons I need to learn in his heart, in his very being.

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Through him I can learn to be spiritual and internally “tuned” to myself and others. Through him I will continue to learn, and deepen, my unconditional love and acceptance. For him I will always strive to be a better human being. Because of him I have to see beyond normalcy and mundane concerns at what really matters in life. My son, my teacher, my well of knowledge, my wealth of inner development.

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I’ve known this for many years but it was so crystal clear in that very moment. I could touch, smell, feel this understanding, it was as clear as the sun and the moon.

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At different times I have wondered what the meaning of my life is. Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to DO something with the experiences I’ve had in the last few years? The knowledge I’ve acquired?

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I start thinking about writing books, opening therapy centers, creating websites, creating non-profits, establishing support groups…I wonder if there is something out there that will fulfill my life’s mission.

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Today I realized that there is nothing OUT THERE for me to do, that it’s all IN HERE. That what I have to do to make this life meaningful is to learn everything my little boy has to teach me.

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To learn the deepest acceptance possible, at every single possible level. To unconditionally love everything about him, even the things that can be annoying or distressing (like The Head). To open my heart completely even at the most difficult times.

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But what of Belle, and peanut, you may be wondering? How do they fit in? I feel they are all part of the same lesson. Belle may not bring the same challenges but she teaches me in many other ways. And so will Peanut, who has already taught me to let go of my desire to plan and be in control.

How fortunate I am, to have these most amazing of teachers!

Comments

  1. Marcella,

    This is such a beautiful and special post. I love those moments of clarity when everything about your child and your life makes perfect sense. I wish I could keep those magical moments in my heart at all times, but they are fleeting. I get like you where I become task-oriented and goal-focused rather than grateful and accepting of everything and every moment. But we live and learn and grow, don’t we? And these oh-so-special spirits help us with that growth and learning SO much! What a gift they are!!!

    As to your previous posts, yes I’m a lurker, especially since getting my smart phone. Google Reader is my friend. I never miss a single word you write or picture you post and I’m grateful to you for every bit of it! You inspire me and those beautiful children of yours touch my heart!

    AND as for your peanut. I almost jumped out of my bed when I read that news last night. I am SO thrilled for you!!! As with other parts of your life, this is an unexpected BLESSING and will help fill your life with such love and joy. And you, my friend, deserve every bit of happiness that comes your way! Congratulations!!!!!!!!

  2. http://Ange says

    The information of daily routines, new therapies, things you have tried and tested, your thoughts and options on your blog have help me and so many others that are in a similar position. I know that I follow your updates on a regular basis and I have tried several things that you have written about. If it wasn’t for Nathan and your webpage I think I would be lost! At times you have helped me pull my head out of the sand and get on with the job at hand, given me inspiration and determination, clarity to my life and the mother I wish to be and it has all come about by the words you have shared. What a huge help you have been to me and the many others that tune in to your experiences. Job well done!

  3. Agreeing the others – beautiful and meaningful post!

    Also wanted to give my congratulations on Peanut! So happy for you and Owen!

  4. http://Stephanie says

    A beautiful transcendental recognition! You amazed me as a high school student, and you continue to do so.

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